EXPERIENCES OF NOT FEELING LIKE I
 QUITE FIT IN
BY Janise Eckman Wooten

I have always looked up to people who have been able to easily keep  their home clean. And yet, having grown up in a very chaotic messy, yet--for the most part--a fairly happy home; I found that when I would visit people of whom I considered had fairly organized homes with somewhat lavish decor, I would feel utterly overwhelmed and even discouraged! This caused deep inner division within me because, on one level, while I could appreciate--somewhat and in some level of my being--the finer tastes and abilities to be so organized and so well put together, and have it chime so effortless to them! This was something I could only dream about; as I looked at all their ducks in a row (sometimes almost literally) complete with photos of their Eagle scout sons in full scout uniform and their daughters, arrayed in flawless bridal splendor--all the same size pictures with matching frames and lined up like trophies; it seemed to simultaneously bring out an unwanted hidden eruption of profound sadness inside me as an only too vivid a contrast to what felt forever unattainable for me--a clean and beautiful home! My sons all got their Eagle scout awards, but without the wall picture "trophies". (I even felt guilty about not honoring their efforts on our wall like others managed to do). I would feel almost sick with the conflict I felt within when I visited these beautiful homes! I hated it! the inner tension of wanting to enjoy the beauty of my friends' homes and, at the same time, feeling so inferior to them because of my self judgements! I felt on a constant unwanted mission to eradicate my own anxiety, which in itself created even more anxiety, in a vicious cycle. This caused me to kind of not even want to have a very beautiful home because what if, heaven forbid, I brought about hidden anxieties in others because of showing my strengths too much, as I saw it?!! Because of these inner conflicts I felt, I had weaknesses that I could not seem to overcome, inadequacies that showed outwardly, and I seemed to subconsciously sabotage my own success, although I worked very hard to have as nice a house as I could. I felt great shame!

Thankfully, I am coming to know, through experience, that God can help mercifully change our weakness into strength as we turn to him in faith, and even if we feel our faith is weak. We just start where we are; and He helps do the rest, filling in for what we cannot do ourselves. We can bloom wherever we are planted!

And, we CAN even bless and minister in all our weakness! And the truth is that everyone is weak. We are all incomplete before God, who does what we can't. There are people, who had all but given up, who have come to my less than ideal looking home, who were drawn to the gospel of Jesus Christ because they could feel hope that if Janise, with all her imperfection, could keep going and have hope and faith, maybe there was hope for them too! That was a new concept for me that I could serve and minister to others in my weakness and even through my own weaknesses.

We can learn to be better equipped to share our treasures with others even through our own pain and struggles, and even if we don't understand it at the time, which we usually don't until later. This next example I write, not to promote any particular lifestyle but simply to share some of my past pain. Please use it as a metaphor to imagine any of the inward pains we experience that cause is to feel alone, left out or less then others.

MY COUNTER CULTURE NATURE
I have always been different (and rather counter culture) in all kinds of ways! As human beings, we unfortunately sort of label and place each other into boxes, like "oh, he's a born again!" Or she's "messy!" or heaven forbid: one of THOSE (almost whispered in hushed tones) "HOMESCHOOLERS!!!" HOMEBIRTHERS!! HEALTHFOOD FANATICS!!! UNCLEAN!

I didn't pay much attention to being marginalized, at first, and I knew that my unusual lifestyle really added to the marginalization, so I realized nobody was trying to leave me out of their lives, but I really didn't feel free to share my real experiences in parties and social situations where other women talked of epidurals, kid's school functions and their latest medications prescribed by their doctors, which were all okay topics but they just didn't resonnate with my everyday life experiences.

I can just see and hear it in my mind's eye and mind's ear ( I guess there must be a mind's ear if there is a mind's eye) after someone shared their epidural experience "The anesthesiologist inserted the long needle into my spine and I had to hold perfectly still and then, it was wonderful! I don't know how anyone can have a homebirth! Those are so dangerous!", No, I couldn't add as a footnote: "I had the most wonderful peaceful home birth and didn't have to experience the side effects of medical intervention!" Or after someone shared laboring in the hospital and being induced and being hooked up to the monitors, and just all the routine things that happen in the hospital experience and then me sharing my home birth experience, and how my friends and loved ones gathered around while I played Balderdash inbetween contractions, and then, the midwife caught our beautiful baby while I gave birth and my husband cut the cord (that wasn't done much back in the day) or someone might say "I just tried a new allergy medication that really helps but I don't like the side effects. If I suddenly chimed in like the hero I tried to be with "I know of a Chinese herbal combination that largely, over time, did away with my allergies with no side effects but just extra benefits like more energy etc!" they would look at me like I was an alien from another planet instead of someone with a valid opinion that deserved respect and was quite knowledgeable like I felt I was! Or when some others were saying "I can hardly wait for  the school year to start cuz I'm running out of things to do with the kids!,"  how could I share my real, authentic experience of  "I love being home with my children and having them be each other's best friends!" (even though, of course we had days that were very difficult).

I felt like I could not even talk about my everyday struggles with anyone that wasn't a homeschooler (and there were very few homeschoolers back then) any more than a gay person could talk easily with someone who is straight about any normal relationship struggles they were having, out of fear they will be judged or told what was what when maybe they just were needing a listening ear!

At times I dared to share much of my ordinary life's experiences and passions with people who had family life experiences that didn't resonate with mine; sometimes people would listen. Then, I would have positive experiences, but most of the time, people were not ready for what I had to share and so I learned to be quiet, which was the farthest thing from my true nature than you can imagine! Not many listened with any real interest, and I felt so left out and marginalized, not to mention LONELY even in the midst of many! I share this not to make a statement of one way of life being any better than another. We have have differing, roads to walk. We don't have to attach right or wrong to things such as whether or not we homeschool or public school (although during this writing, we have a worldwide pandemic and everyone is homeschooling. Who would have ever thought everyone would be homeschooling suddenly?!!)